I consider 6 out of 7 days a win. I went 6 days without mindlessly over eating. I attempted to eat slowly and enjoy each and every bite of food as I ate. I mindlessly over ate on Wednesday. No idea why.
This week I reflected as to how I ate BK, before kids. Chris would wolf down 2 hamburgers and a large fry in the time it took me to eat a small McDonald’s fry. I only ordered a fry or a hamburger because of how long it took me to eat it and how full it made me. Once we had kids I ate more because I was not full. I was not full because I was eating so fast. Then a small fry didn’t fill me up. Pretty soon I was eating Big Macs and a medium fry when we would eat out.
I didn’t always battle my weight. I was a normal sized kid and thinned out in high school. I have always hated my breasts and my stomach, but I was pretty happy with how I looked. The pimples not withstanding. I rarely had an issue shopping for clothes or anything else for that matter. I didn’t eat much unless I was hungry. Then I would eat frozen blueberries and cherries, and home canned tomatoes. These were my go to snacks after school. This all changed after we got married. Money was tight, so very tight. Fresh and frozen fruits were out of the question. We were barely able to afford to eat. The big meal for us was a chicken dinner made with shake n bake, a veggie, and a pudding pie. Junk food was cheaper than healthy food.
As our family grew, our income went up. The one area my husband tried to control was groceries. My budget today for two weeks of groceries is the same as it was when we lived in Michigan, raising 4 kids, and having a huge garden, fresh eggs from the chickens, and a side of pork or beef in the freezer. This was 1998. The battle over fresh fruit was fought in our home. My husband was not raised on it so we did not need it so we did not need it. I fought and made sure our kids had apples, oranges, grapes, and assorted other fruits in season in our fridge.
I lost the habit of healthy eating. But then my eating wasn’t as healthy as I thought. I have to admit I have always loved sweets. I love baked goods. I know my mom made different things, but the things I sneaked were candy and twinkies when they were in the house.
You see I sneak food. I don’t know when it started. I don’t even remember not doing it as a little kid. I knew how to sneak just enough that no one knew I did it. I can cut a sliver off of a piece of pie, cake, or even cheese cake with out it showing that anything had changed. I guess it started when I ate something sweet around an authority figure and they got mad at me. I didn’t understand why they wouldn’t share with me. I had to share with them!
I don’t hoard food. I don’t hide food from others. I don’t even resent sharing my treats with others, I just hide the fact that I am eating something sweet. I told my husband that he needs to not say anything if I eat a piece of pie or something else. I don’t want to hide what I eat. I want that ability to come out from under the table. I want that accountability without the condemnation. The thing is I want the freedom to stop sneaking food. I don’t like confrontation, so when someone says something to me I think they are disciplining me and so I hide what I do instead of being the adult and stopping. Like most people I don’t like to be told no.
It is funny though, how I can make croissants, cinnamon rolls, muffins, and cookies with out over eating on them. I make them, let them cool, and then package individually and freeze. I can discipline myself to only eat one a day that way.
Shopping for clothes is a nightmare now and I still hate my stomach and breasts. Of course now I hate my thighs, hips, and bat wings. Where I would shop based on how something looked on me, now I shop based on if it covers me and does not show the rolls of fat.
I still haven’t weighed myself, but I am going to keep taking my baby steps. I will continue to eat slowly. I want to savor every bite. The food I make should be as good as the restaurant food I eat when we go out. I should enjoy it.
I am debating my next baby step. It will either be drink more water or eat at the dining room table. Both are very hard for me to do. I can drink loads of water when the weather is warm, but not so much right now. I eat less when I make up my own tea with black tea, green tea, and some other flavors. If I make drinking water my baby step it will have to include tea. Eating at the table is hard because I have to make sure it is cleaned off and I have to sit by myself. I am not so alone when sitting on the couch watching television. These two are pretty big issues for me right now. I think I am going to choose adding more water/tea. Eating at the table scares me.