I have debated with myself concerning what my Friday posts should be about. The one thing that keeps coming back to me has been my battle with weight. This is such a deeply personal and very scary subject to put on my blog. I don’t want this to be a blog that people tell me all the awesome ways they have lost weight. I don’t want to be told go on the Atkins, raw veggies diets, or what ever is the “new” way to lose weight. My life is not that simple that I can not just decide to completely overhaul the kinds of food we eat. You see my husband has no issue with weight. I do. I want this to be a raw, hopefully uplifting, or at least a way to understand someone else who just plain struggles with their weight.
I feel that what ever I write about must be true. It must be tested and something I can stand behind. It must be something I am passionate about It also must be something my family can be proud of and does not affect their lives. You won’t see too many pictures of my kids, husband, or grandchildren on the pages of this blog. I won’t go so far as to give them odd names, but I try not to mention their names. Most people won’t know who my second or middle daughter is, but the ones who do, know exactly who I am speaking of.
So, to write something this personal is terrifying. It is difficult enough to share the love of all things French and the deep desire I have to travel, something that not even my family knows how deep the desire is. My weight is something even I do not want to think about let alone allow others into my personal choices and thoughts.
I decided last night that I must do this. I must share my successes as well as my failures. The road is long. I should have enough material to last a couple years. 🙂
Readers of this blog and my friends have known that the last few years have been tumultuous to say the least. I had been over weight for quite a while, but the last few years added the whipping cream and cherry on top per say. Then last year I went to see my Doctor. I actually saw my chart for a few seconds. It stated that I had gained 20 pounds since my last appointment. She then spoke to me about what was happening in my life and I told her how I was into the making of my own cleaning supplies and such. She asked me why I was still over weight and I really couldn’t tell her. I had no idea.
I mean let’s face it. I really don’t want to think about my size. Most of the time I don’t have to, but when I have to shop for clothing, then it is in my face. I swore that when my first grandson was born I would be thin by the time the next one was born. That didn’t work so well. Then I swore I would be thin by the time the next grandchild was born. Nope. That didn’t happen either. In fact there are 6 grandchildren, of which 4 have been born and I have not been thin in any way. Two are chosen by our son and us to be so loved!
The first of our kids got married, I was the fattest woman in the group. I promised myself I would not be that way again. I was the fattest mom at every wedding since.
There are times I look in the mirror and wonder who this woman is. I wonder how this will ever change. I wonder how much do you have to dislike yourself to become this big. I have gotten things under control for a time and lose twenty pounds. Then life would throw a curve ball and I would give up. The peri menopause doesn’t help either.
When I got laid off I walked. I walked for 2 or 3 hours per day. One day I walked for a half an hour and then I was up to 2 hours, and before 2 months were past I was up to 3 hours per day. They did it on the biggest loser didn’t they? Why couldn’t I? Because they don’t show the minor injuries on the biggest loser. You don’t see the shoes, the foot supports, or any other way they handle the pain. My feet ended up injured and hurt so bad I would cry. I gave up.
The thing about the walking when and where and for how long, was I learned to forgive. My walking time was like a therapy for me. I walked and prayed. Each day there was a new person or situation that I needed to forgive. I needed to forgive others and myself for what pain that occurred in their lives and mine.
I had to forgive people who hurt me in elementary school, middle school, high school. I forgave the journalism club for a senior yearbook that made me want to forget my senior year. I had to forgive parents, cousins, and aunts and uncles. I forgave the kids and parents that hurt my kids in the Christian school my kids attended. I forgave things that I never knew bothered me.
I lost my first 25 pounds and then killed my feet. It took a year later and the visit to my doctor to get me back on the path of weight loss. The visit made me think. It made me think that if I won’t even use store bought cleaning supplies why am I eating so much processed food? I started thinking more and more about hormones in the food supply and all the unpronounceable ingredients on the back of food packages. I didn’t research any of this. I just started remembering an ex aunt in law who used to say the hormones in the meat caused our kids to be heavier when they are born.
I gradually pulled us away from the processed stuff. If you look in my cupboard there are no processed foods. Sorry, I just lied. I have a bunch of ramen noodles that my husband thinks is the bomb. But that is it.
Over time I slowly lost 20 pounds. I hadn’t gained a pound back until this month. I gained 5 in two weeks. I knew something was wrong. I have been gassy, bloated, and my tummy hurt like crazy. I felt very lethargic and basically yucky. So now is the time to move forward or backward to what has worked for me. I walked today and kept virtually every processed food out of my diet until 8:15 pm. Then Chris asked me to pick him up a couple of burgers and fries for dinner. I caved and bought a hamburger and small fry for myself. Baby steps.
I am making my yogurt for tomorrow and I am going to pick up a couple of things from the store. I plan on making a chicken salad for sandwiches for Sunday. I baked bread today, but I forgot to put the salt in it. Starting over once again.
Next week I will be stating how much I weigh, what goals I am going to make, and the baby steps I am going to take to move forward. I have to say life is awesome. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I am overweight for one reason. I choose to eat instead of dealing with my personal faults, hurts, and desires. The food I eat is just a way to shut my emotions off. There are many reasons that contribute to a person being overweight. I guess for the time being we will be learning what mine are until the weight is off.
This blog isn’t a cry for help or quick solutions or even a desire to lose the weight fast. It is going to just be a way to share the highlights, low lights, and everything in between.